To start: no, there are no “trusted male figures” in our lives. My brothers & father are all conservative, and I DO NOT trust them to properly explain things without shame and/or religious context.
My son knows the basics of reproduction, but I’ve never really explained what’s “normal” things for a teenage boy to go through… mainly because I don’t know!
I’ve definitely put it off, so he’s almost 14 and is much more physically mature than most of his peers (he’s got hair in places, shaves his face regularly, etc.)… but I’m embarrassed to admit that I know next to nothing about anything else…
Could y’all help me out? What did you go through that he should know about? What should I know about?
Many thanks to anyone who can help. Please don’t be unkind. Much appreciated.
EDIT: Thank you so much for all the advice so far!! Please keep it up!!
My son & I have very open communication & a very good relationship.
Been thinking a lot about this post and tried to come up with some things that weren’t already mentioned. Sorry for writing a book.
This was mentioned once but you really have to talk to him about porn. He can literally find it on the same device he calls you on. It’s not real life but he might not know that yet or understand why. I’m not saying you should or shouldn’t allow it, just that he absolutely has already encountered it and it’s likely already shaping what he finds desirable without him knowing it. (I like porn. I think it’s mostly a good thing. I do not miss trying to figure wtf was real vs what someone’s older brother made up to mess with me.)
I think lots of people have focused on sex and sexuality (for obvious reasons) but this is a moment where his relationships with friends and potential romantic interests are going to begin changing. It might be worth asking him what he needs from those different groups in his life. My friends weren’t supportive of me having a girlfriend at 14 cause they didn’t like her and it basically caused me to dig my heels in and hold onto that relationship longer than I should have.
I’m also surprised that more people didn’t mention talking with him about drinking and drugs. I don’t have any advice on what to say there. I just wish I hadn’t had to figure that stuff out totally on my own.
Ultimately, I’m glad to hear that you and your son have a good relationship where you can talk about things. The things he needs to talk with you about will change but there’s no substitute for knowing that you care.
EDIT: if you were specifically looking for the mechanics of how to hide a boner, you swing it around to 12 o’clock, tuck it up behind the waistband of the pants, and pull the boxers over it. Going down into the pants will make it more visible.
Have you reached out to his coaches/PE teachers at school?
I live in a conservative area and do not trust folks to educate him from those angles.
Angles? What does this mean?
The typical conservative has a black-and-white view of sex and gender norms. “A man provides for his household and a women cares for the children”–type of thing, with very unhealthy views on sex, sexuality, and gendered expectations.
Hell, I was told that it was my “purpose” to one day marry, have children, and dote on my husband’s every whim, and that, as a woman, it should be my desire.
Another big thing is healthy boundaries, consent, and other things. Many believe in “the chase”, how women need to “submit to their husband”, slut-shaming, the “”“proper manly emotions”“” (hint: the only acceptable emotion is anger!), and those are just a few issues.
It’s not healthy, and I’m not going to risk someone teaching that kind of thing to my kid.
EDIT: Downvote this if you want, but I was raised in a conservative town by a conservative family with conservative values and hung out in conservative spaces that left me scarred and traumatized. Sorry if it hurts your feelings knowing that a majority of conservatives beliefs are harmful and shitty! (:
From the “conservative” point of view.
They’re generally not big on healthy sex education or relationships.
I’m gonna guess abstinence only etc.
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Nope didn’t like this comment
If he suddenly really wants to do his laundry one morning, don’t ask questions. (Wet dreams and embarassment being the context here.)
That’s about all I can think of that’s gendered, really.
I was ~9 when I got the talk from my Dad, and it was basic stuff about just the mechanics. It set things up so that, around 13, I went to him with questions about how I was feeling re: puberty. So even now it’ll be helpful to do the talk and show that you’re available as a resource.
In your case, your son likely has some idea from internet pornography and whatever he got in school, but it would still be helpful to go through the basics with him. I’d frame it as “I’m sure you know most of this, but i just want to make sure you know what’s important.” It might also be helpful to make clear that pornography is as much acting as TV is - don’t set his expectations on it, it’s people faking things for money.
Going over the importance of condom use also helpful at his age. Keep in mind, it’s not necessarily about what he’s going to use right away, but making sure he knows when he does need to know.
Then, I’d just be there for him and ask if he has any questions, and answer them frankly. Tell him he can come back later if he’s unsure.
It’s awkward and tough I’m sure, but it’ll be a help not just now, but going forward. Good luck!
Eh, it’ll dry (children are gross).
Besides all the stuff related to sex that many people have already written down here:
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That it is normal to have overwhelming emotions at this age. It’s fine if he gets angry, or sad or whatever. Find an outlet for that emotion.
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He is gonna get a long stronger. It is important to approach this with sensibility: saying stuff like “strong men are dangerous” or “men are strong and women are weak” etc can actively harm young men’s mental health. I’m sure there are good resources for this online as well, though I’m not sure where. He needs to realize that he will need to control how much force he puts into things much more than as a child, but at the same time that people are not afraid of him and should not be.
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There are these things called books…
Oh that’s great. Which ones? I doubt that Pride and Prejudice or The Very Hungry Caterpillar are very helpful here.
If you can’t even recommend any book on this topic, then your comment really doesn’t help OP at all.
Kid is lucky to have you.
I had a mum and a dad, and they did their best, but I wish they had been more interested with my well being in this way.
You’re doing great.
NRK had a series on puberty that is no-nonsense, straight to the point. It was hosted by a physician. Most of it is on YouTube, and from a very brief look has English subtitles. Warning, it contains full frontal nudity of people at various ages. It is rated for children in Norway, but might be shocking to someone not used to seeing nipples on TV. It should be quite informative. Watch it yourself and decide if you want your son to see it. I have no idea if it is geoblocked.
They are all hidden. At least here in Brazil.
Here’s what I wish people had explained to me when I was approximately your son’s age and which should cover most of what he’s going through:
(I am assuming your son is heterosexual. If he is not, then you have to change this somewhat, but I can’t help you with that very much because I’m heterosexual myself.)
You probably noticed that for a few years now, when you look at or think of girls, your penis gets hard and much bigger; this is because you started puberty. That is called an erection and is a completely normal thing to happen; it’s your body telling you that it would like you to have sex with that girl. Erections will immediately go away when you ejaculate, which is a completely normal and very pleasurable thing to do. You can ejaculate without having sex with anyone by masturbating, that is, by rubbing your penis against your hands or some other object. It helps to think of beautiful girls when doing that. I have no problem at all with you doing this and you will never get in trouble for doing it or asking anyone any questions about it, but I insist that you do it when no one is watching, preferably in your own room.
Aside from basic biological stuff, trust and consent. Consent is required. Trust no one you don’t know extremely well and are in a committed relationship (especially as regards protection and contraception).
I wonder if educational videos exist on this. I assume so somewhere. As a dude in his 40s not having kids, I thought “maybe I should reach out to volunteer to help” but, at the same time, realize there are so many weirdos on the internet I would always say no in the same circumstance. Maybe if there are no educational vids, I could try to create something.
Raising kids is hard. Good on you for trying to do things properly. Best of luck!
Vocally theres gonna be cracks as it deepens. It sucks, nothing to be done.
There will be at least one wet dream if not more, Hydrogen peroxide soak, then wash with OxiClean should rock those stains as both are recommended for ‘protein’. Wash cold.
Erections at random times will 100% happen. It’s expected.
Acne will happen, body is a wreck of hormones. Use a new pillowcase nightly, do skincare, should largely be fine. If it gets wild prescription stuff might be needed.
Thats all the big puberty stuff really, short of whether the quarterback or head cheerleader makes his pp into the big pp but thats a whole other discussion.
I wish I had known when I was young that you can stealthily flex muscles like hamstrings and glutes to end an unwanted erection. It draws blood to those muscle groups and away from the erection.
Visit your local library for resources on sexual health and wellness! It’s good for you to know too. Everyone should know about the reproductive system, anatomy, STDs, how to prevent them, and what vaccines and medicines can treat or prevent STDs (For example, PrEP pills can make you nearly immune to HIV).
Fwiw, it is probably good to explain sexuality too. Or at least have books with solid sections that explain it. I always crushed on and dated girls, but then started getting nervous when I started finding boys cute too. It added a great deal of stress to my daily life. My parents thought I was straight, then kinda mangled it when I came out the first time.
There’s no instruction manual for raising kids, but like…you can definitely have the knowledge ready so that you aren’t caught off guard :)
At some point. For the love of all that is holy you MUST tell you son the following: Never come in a woman unless you want a baby. Even if she tells you to. Even if she claims she is protected.
NEVER COME IN A WOMAN WITH WHOM YOU DO NOT WISH TO HAVE A BABY
Women will baby-trap the living fuck out of young men. He NEEDS to know this.
Doesn’t even need to be a trap, accidents happen (i.e. missing a dose of birth control).
yeah honestly this is the only thing
Women will baby-trap the living fuck out of young men. He NEEDS to know this.
Was with you until this line. C’mon now.
It does happen. Had a woman poke holes in all of the condoms in my nightstand when I was 18. She later admitted she thought I was going to leave her when I was going to a University and she was going to the state college. I’m sure it is rare that such happens, but I wouldn’t fully dismiss it. I was paranoid after that and always went to the bathroom after and filled the condom with water to make sure they hadn’t broke or had a hole in them after sex. It wouldn’t do anything to prevent it at that point, but at least I had the peace of mind I guess that I knew it wasn’t leaking and could get a 9 month head start on planning.
It absolutely happens, no doubt! Never disagreed with that!
But putting out such a general statement like “women will baby-trap you!” is such a broad statement. Statements like that are often used to stir up hostility and is a common tactic used in spaces that are anti-women.
Me saying “men will assault you!” would not be acceptable and would get me attacked and downvoted to hell. It’s astounding to me that statements like this about women are supported.
Yeah it really wasn’t the response I expected to teaching your child about their body. Not sure what that person has been through, but it did seem random. I expected responses like how to properly clean oneself.
Yeah… don’t love the “women will be actively trying to ruin your life”–angle.
However, it’s a good idea to let him know that some potential partners will have bad/manipulative intentions, no matter the gender, and how to look out for that.
I made no mention of my kid’s orientation, so… make of that what you will. Lol
Yeah, people make stupid decisions no matter their gender, ideologies, or whatever else. I think one of the things I wish I would have learned more about at that age was the absence of structure. School is all very structured. Everything is about checking a box. Get this prerequisite, go to these classes. Be there at set times, get a set grade level and you will be fine. Get a certain score on the SAT/ACT or what not and you will be fine. Everything is almost definite. Once you leave high school/college there really isn’t any of that for your life unless you create it yourself. Get a job sure, within that job they will have structure. Nothing is telling people to check these 3 boxes and then move out of that job in 3 years and into the next step, as the steps no longer exist and staying in a single job is unlikely to land you where you need to be successful. Loyalty to a company doesn’t mean you will get raises or promotions. I wish I would have spent more time creating the maps and goals I want to achieve outside of the structure given to me, and work on achieving those goals and creating timelines they need to be done by. A certificate to move up/diagonal in my field, map it out and when and where you want to throw those 100 resumes out too and hope one of them will come back. Then already be working on other structured steps curated for my life aspirations.
I procrastinate on many of those things, because there are no due dates. It’s go to work, make dinner, clean, mow lawn, take care of chickens, blah blah blah to get to the next day week year, but then you never get around to improving yourself because I never set required boxes for me to check.
Yeah, a better way to put it would be “There are women that may attempt baby-trap you, and you should always be mindful of that”
Absolutely.
Lemmy.world is worse than fucking reddit was with gender relations lmfao
Weirdos end up on Lemmy. Many of us are a splendidly wonderful, if pedantic, sort.
And then there’s the weirdos that… aren’t that. The ones who never built social skills or the ability to look at the world from beyond their own limited experiences. The ones who extrapolate with reckless abandon, usually in the traditional directions of punching down.
I’m sorry if they or someone they know got baby-trapped, but that is DEFINITELY not the usual nor should it be phrased like it is.
I’m more shocked at the amount of upvotes the comment has.
His point isn’t wrong. He could have explained it better but telling a teenage boy how to not get girls pregnant regardless of what they tell him is not a bad idea. I definitely had experiences with girls I slept with telling me not to worry about it and at least one of them went on to have a teen pregnancy by another dude. They weren’t trying to trap me. They were just dumb. So was I and I got really lucky that there were no consequences. Teenagers say and do dumb shit and the more cognizant your son is of that the better. If he’s anything like me he’s not going to be thinking about consequences in the moment.
His point isn’t wrong
Women will baby-trap the living fuck out of young men. He NEEDS to know this.
The above sentence is the one I’m taking a stand against. The rest was fine up until that.
You are 100% correct to have an issue with that. My point was more to answer why he is still getting upvotes. The premise of his comment about not cumming in women you don’t want to impregnate is correct. The motivation of the woman is pretty irrelevant to the conversation. He is wrong about that but it’s not the main point.
You need to understand that is one of a host of reasons and things that can be said. I’m not going to write a 40-page essay. Frank talk is necessary, too bad you can’t see that and choose to focus on the gender thing. That’s really about you and not me. Frank talk about all aspects of sex is vital. Get a grip.
edit: And I’m not going to sit here and qualify my statements carefully in case you’re too in-the-weeds to focus on underlying points. I don’t need to “not every woman” and bs like that. You should be smart enough to not need constant pandering to and kid glove treatment.
Do you think “frank” means “without nuance or care for how what I’m saying could be misconstrued as bigotry”?
Like, literally the only change I know I’d like to see is “there are some women who” and like… that’s hardly an imposition, y’know? Definitely not a “40 page essay” either.
This is utter nonsense. Condoms work 99% of the time, and most women aren’t horrible people.
For real, go to a library and ask a librarian for help.
They’ll have various books aimed at different levels of maturity and reading levels. Get a book, read it yourself, then ask him to read it and talk about what you learned.
By the time you are 14, you have probably figured out everything about yourself. Tell him what girls want and think at his age. When i was a kid, my friend was dead convinced that all girls prefer anal sex, cause “that doesn’t hurt”. He based that, I assume, entirely on porn he had seen.
