her mother died 2 weeks ago.
I told her I’m sorry but after thinking about what to say I couldn’t come with anything better than repeating sorry again. She then told me and another coworker how she died.
I want to show her that I care but I don’t want her mother’s death to become the elephant in the room each time we talk.
This is not romantic in any way.
Hmm… Tough one. I for one feel too socially incompetent to not mess this up in some way, but it’s ok for me with people who are used to it.
I’d say to try and celebrate her mother’s life by talking about things she liked. It’s supposed to be therapeutic, but some might consider it an invasion of privacy if not close enough.
Otherwise just giving them space and time to adapt ought to be appropriate.
Dunno how friendly you are or wanna be. No real answer because it depends on the person and the relationship. Some things work for some and backfire with others.
How do you show that you care?
Seems like the wrong mindset. Think about what can be done to make her feel cared about. Not cared about by you. Cared about by everyone.
Have you considered that you’ve already done all you can do and that you’re borderline making it about you. I’d leave it be.
This is a genuinely difficult situation to deal with, nothing wrong with asking for advice.
Whatever your existing dynamic with this coworker is, keep it the same. More than enough people are going to be backing away because they don’t want to do “the wrong thing,” or getting unnecessarily closer because they want to “be supportive.” Those are both just extra changes she’ll have to deal with along with the loss of her mother.
Offer stability. You can even explain this out loud to her directly.
I heard a great podcast with Frank Ostaseski where he talked about how isolating death is. No one wants to bring up what happened, because it may upset you (spoiler: you are already upset) and you don’t want to burden others by talking about it. This traps you into dealing with it alone. I think the best thing you can do is just be available. Tell them you are genuinely want to listen if they want to talk about it. Perhaps make the offer again in a few weeks when others have moved on. No pressure, just be open to listening. Most of us just want to be heard
Sometimes people just want to be left alone. There’s no solution to grief besides time. You can’t materially improve this position but you can be around if they want to talk or just be around people.
If it was one of my coworkers I would offer them to come to me if they either need someone to talk to or need a distraction. For example going on a walk during our break or go get some food together, though these may not be applicable to your workplace.
People already said what I was going to say, so I’ll add something new.
Set a reminder for Mother’s Day. It will be here in a couple months and she will have to remember the pain a bit. The ‘first blank’ without her Mom will be happening a lot this year. Those are the time to let her know you are available if needed.
There really is nothing you can do. Losing a parent is such a deeply personal thing and you just give your condolences and realize that person is going to be sad about it pretty much the rest of their lives but less so day by day.
There are many good responses here already and I’m going to add a perspective I don’t see.
As a coworker: don’t do anything. Sometimes work is an opportunity for someone to escape the personal tragedy that has swept through their life. It’s a chance to think about something else for a while, something grounded and neutral. A time to feel normal.
That can be a very helpful support. Reminding them of the personal stuff may ruin that.
I know that you are a nice human and want to be good to them, but sometimes we need to realize that we are just co-workers to someone and not friends and family. Knowing your place can be an incredibly respectful and positive thing to do.
Add this to your other ideas about how to show sympathy. It’s just one angle. I’m not saying this is always right 100% for everyone and bar nothing.
You could ask her about her mother. Talk about fond memories.
Losing your mother is hard. This year it will be 5 years for me.
Letting her talk about her might be a good emotional outlet. It might make her cry more, but that isn’t a bad thing.
It always hurts to talk about. But I do feel better when I can share a bit of her life.
You need to have that kind of friendship where it wouldn’t be strange. If you only nod to each other at the lunch table, then perhaps just leave it.
Big lasagna. There will be days she’s too sad to cook. It can be frozen and saved.
When we went through a family tragedy the big lasagna was amazing. We didn’t have to find or worry about anything and we could just do it on autopilot.
Edit:typo
Big lasagna and some flowers and emphasize that they’re for her. Tell her that you are a good shoulder to cry on if she needs it. Call her at home after a week and maybe after 2 weeks and say that you’re just checking that she’s ok.
We tend to give people giftcards to food places (like a few different ones they can pick).
We had some folks do that for us when my wife’s mom died and it did actually help. It relived some stress of having to come up with dinner when you’re depressed and sad. Getting out and eating at a restaurant can help you feel more connected to others or ordering delivery can help when you’re a mess and don’t want to be with others.
House cleaning gift certificates are also nice, if you know folks are already overwhelmed with casseroles. Same idea, taking some burden off their plate, freeing up their time off to grieve.
Another great idea!
Maybe ask first if she’s lactose intolerant? You don’t want to give her a gift of diarrhea.
I feel like that’s a personal preference. I remember my wife’s father dying, and her mother was an emotional wreck. She was so angry that people kept giving her food, and it just upset her more every time something was left. Obviously, she was kind to the people, but after they left, she was angry and basically told all her siblings take it all now otherwise it’s being thrown out. She threw out tons of good food…
I don’t agree with that, but the one thing I did notice was it’s also difficult to even manage getting all that food as well. It became it’s own problem since finding places to put it all was hard, and I’m sure not something you wanna deal with at that time either.
On the other hand this was all in the first week, OP states it’s been a few weeks, and maybe it would be nice to receive since they probably aren’t getting much now.
Another option I’ve seen is a sign up sheet for meals, so people didn’t randomly do everything at once.
I don’t know her and I’m not a psychologist but that sounds an awful like she’s projecting. I’d bet it wasn’t the food she was angry with.
This is Jewish tradition, btw. Not lasagna, but you give a dish so the family can grieve at shiva without having to worry about cooking.
In the southern US, we have “funeral potatoes”. Easy casserole.
Italian too. Hence the lasagna.
I like to add a “let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.” It’s a little bit more than just “I’m sorry”.
I’m assuming that you would be willing to help if you can. It would be pretty shitty to say if you didn’t mean it.
The best thing is to come up with something specific. As others are suggesting, offering to make food is probably an easy-to-accept offer.
People generally like food and grieving people don’t always have the energy to cook, is there anything you make well? Lasagna? Soup? Mac n cheese?
Buy her an animal to keep her company. Maybe a dog?
Don’t do that
“Sorry your mom died. While you’re feeling fragile, here’s a massive burden.”
